The informal magedy

I grow weary of trying to fall asleep between these digital sheets.

I want to live beside you without the smoke fire on my breath.

Without this heat of pain within my chest.

Upon the distant shores of wakefulness is where your beauty truly may rest.

If we are held so close and dear, why are these identities held so near?

Cleaned but still so dirty underneath.

If you come by me and you find I push you away for a moment, it is to pull closer this destiny of a truer understanding of us both.

Precious time

You will not have me, you will half me.

If I will not be broken, then am I left to just be humbled and scarred?

How can you ever know, if you don't ask?

Why should you care you say, I want everything my way.

I want to be the winner, and I don't care who loses.

I'll be the user who doesn't care who she abuses.

Thanks a lot, just letting you know we all appreciate it down here.

The familiar feelings.

Why do I love to get confused?

Stimulation and suffering.

Desire, ego, passion.

Mistaking pain for pleasure and pleasure for pain.

Inner dishonesty and hatred, as forgiveness appears as weakness.

My love lazily walks out of the room.

Laughed at, and exploited.

Where does such a life lead to? Where will it end?

It ends nowhere. There is no time for such a life.

There is no way to clean such a mess.

It is left is darkness, it dies in sadness.

You are unknown, and die forgotten.

You are a lie believed and carried.

The dreary dream, the tired joke.

We are entangled, we are drawn to each other.

The tender interplay. The infusion and expectation.

My heart in your hand. Your heart in my hand.

And I wait for you.

I wait for you to challenge me.

I wait for resistance.

I long to hear the words I lock away to be uttered by your lips.

I am late for my own party, and it seems like I have no intention of showing up.

How odd.

When I feel this way my first impulse is to analyze and take apart my every thought and feeling.

It leads me away, down a path you cannot follow.

I am scared to be there by myself. I tell you so, you come to comfort me.

I feel I am not strong enough. I am lost in the wind.

My hand is not held. My eyes are not shut.

I lose myself in your reflection.

I see myself through you and i am frightened.

It is a painful sight. I cannot bare to look at it, how can you?

I don’t understand. I feel ashamed.

Why do I choose to stay here?

Where am I?

What does it matter?

What’s up?

I run. I run and run and run.

I run to you.

You wait for me, I walk up breathless.

Unable to speak, unable to tell you why I am came.

In my haste I left so many things undone, I now cannot be with you.

You walk away. I walk away.

Arrogance

I sit on a train, dancing in my head.

I see a beautiful woman, i feel thankful to see such a beautiful person with my own eyes.

I desire her to look back at me. She does.

She smiles. I feel her smile invites me to her, it warms my heart.

I do not feel alone, i am connected through a warm gesture. I smile back.

I do not move, i do not go to her. I focus myself and try to let go of my desire.

In this process i hurt her, i see she is pained, why would i not go?

I hurt myself, i wish to go to her but i feel i cannot. I get in the way.

Do you give yourself to another simply because they desire you so?

Do you deny them what you could truly give them because of your own desire?

I find myself confused and in pain.

I sit with my pain. I do not judge it. I do not judge myself or her or my desire.

It is hard to sit with this pain. I feel myself trying to run away. I do not know what to do.

I sit, and breath. i feel thankful for the opportunity to learn.

i let my pain stay as long as it needs to, i do not force it away.

i sit and breath. I hear foot steps in the hallway. i write to you.

Annoyance

I am annoyed by myself.

I feel betrayed by myself.

I am annoyed you don't understand. You are annoyed i don't understand.

I like to sit with this annoyance. I let it annoy me.

I realize it is not such a big deal. It is nothing.

I am a nothing.

I am annoyed i take so much.

I am annoyed by desire.

I realize i am human and shall always take.

I am happy there are so many willing to give, i am thankful that i can try to give back.

A confession

You are one of my favorite illusions.

I know i have to let you go. I am sad.

I know there are many ways to love, i am happy.

I know love is not always enough. I am humbled

i am glad to have such a good teacher.

Shopping at the Gap

I see through eyes, and I get trapped in my head.

I'm worried i'll forget and start thinking of my own pleasures.

I do! I see you for you, and me for me. It is painful.

I see us as separate. I see your pain. You see my faults.

It is a hard thing to look at.

I keep a close eye, but i get tired.

I am awoken by your screams.

Alone

I love to play in the ocean, but that too can be dangerous.

I watch my emotions wash over me, sometimes I get great joy playing in the waves.

Often I’m scared, that the waves will be too much for me and I will be swept away.

I sink like a rock. I watch the waves, I am mindful of their power over me.

I realize I am very small. I feel a pain in my heart.

I sit with that pain.

I do not wish for it to leave me. I let it take it’s time.

It teaches me. It leads me back to you.

It lets me love you. It reminds me I am nothing.

How I love to play in the waves, how sad I am when they hurt me.

I realize my desire. I am humbled.

My desire keeps me from you.

I get up and walk to the beach.

I always forget

You're right. I see you as an illusion.

It leads me away from you. How funny!

It leads me away from my work, and back to my unhappiness.

I am sad. I am humbled.

I love to stay mindful. I love to be humbled.

I love to love. :)

I am happy knowing there are so many ways to be joyful. I know i must do things that are painful and difficult.

Thank you for teaching me so well. Thank you for your pain.

Thank you for your honesty and compassion.

I love to tell you how much i love you. I love to think that it makes you feel well. I am sadden when i think of the pain it causes.

So i sit, i breath. I do my work and leave my troubled thoughts behind.

When i forget

My only wish is to love you more.

I carry you in my heart :) I love to love me so i can be more for you.

I am tired of my old ways of always causing pain and mischief.

i like peace much more. I love to love you.

We both worry about things sometimes. It's important to be mindful and laugh at ourselves. And remember to love those around us.

A kiss isn't a bad thing when it is love that stands behind it. I long to lose my desires.

My longing is a desire. I am human and realize i shall always have desire.

I let the knowledge that i will always suffer and cause suffering humble me. It keeps me at peace.

It lets me love more. Myself, and others.

I feel my pain deeply, i love to do so. I invite more pain in so i can comfort it. I am overwhelmed, scared, broken and humbled.

I breath and sit with my pain, so i can do what is right.

So i can free myself of desire.

I am afraid i cannot do this.

I breath. i laugh. i breath. i sit with my pain.

I forget about longing to show love. I remember i am nothing.

I look at my own hands. I see my own trembling heart.

I see myself from afar. I know i need care too.

I see i am not alone i need love too.

I see we are all connected and the action of love is important.

I sit and breath. I get excited to show my appreciation.

I am scared i will forget, i am humbled.

This continues and i am thankful that it does.

Vanity

I often worry that i do you more harm than good.

The idea of causing you pain, causes me pain.

I sit with that pain, i breath.

I write to you.

I worry my words are not enough. I am scared.

I am deeply troubled. I am not at peace. I want to run away.

I love to sit with my pain and be mindful of it.

It brings me back to you.

I worry about needing you. I worry about holding onto you.

I remember you are me. And i am nothing.

I hear a bird outside. I am no longer scared.

I sit and breath. I write to you.

Being Honest

I am trying to be honest. And i honestly know that words are only too easy to speak.

I try to be mindful. I try to be honest in my thoughts, and let pain arise when it needs to.

So i can be free for you, so i can love you when it is difficult.

I know i still have much to learn, and shut my mouth.

I bleed

I sit in front of you, i bleed myself.

You look at me with compassion, you see yourself in me.

You know you cannot stop me from bleeding.

You tell me i am bleeding.

I tell you, you are mistaken.

We both laugh, we both cry, we both die. We had a good time.

Perfection

I realize i am not perfect. Knowing this gives me peace.

We make out you bite my lip, not in the good way.

A bus driver accidently kills a cat.

A doctor creates a zombie.

I lose my way.

Our imperfections are not working against us. It is nice to be mindful of this.

It lets me love you more. I love to love you. We have lots of fun.

Note to self

Have fun. If you find yourself out of sorts.

Remember to be foolish. Everyone likes a good laugh.

The unknown can be frightening and freeing. Remember that all cannot be known.

Remember to let go. Enjoy the peace of mind that comes in knowing you are a mindless fool.

Remember you are nothing.

Ashamed

I often get scared i will disappoint you.

I sit with that fear. I sit with a broken heart.

It hurts me, i want to run away. I feel my body tighten. I remember the pain i have caused.

I accept that pain will come sometimes, and to be mindful when it is here.

I treat my pain with great care so i can love you. But i get lost easily.

To find my way back to you i sit. i breath. i write to you.

Feeding on fear

I worry at times, about forgetting how to love you.

I feel ashamed, embarrassed. I feel my desire to be loved. I feel my desire to be at peace.

My desires lead me away from you. I sit. I meditate. I am nothing. But i cannot see it.

I get nervous. I feel afraid. I feel myself get angry. My heart pounds. My teeth clench. I stay mindful. I let my feelings consume me.

They pass over like waves. But i am scared. I am fearful of my own mind and my actions.

I desire, i know the hurt i will cause.

I take special care to stay mindful, so i can love you more.

I feel my desire to love you. I feel my desire to be loved.

I am scared that i will give into desires that lead me away from you.

I am scared i will forget i am nothing.

So i sit, and breath. I write to you.

A Good Start

Thank you for your love. Thank you for your compassion. Thank you for being you. I love you, you give me a lot of strength. I like to keep you in my thoughts, and think of you when i am confused.

I have found my work now and i am very afraid. I sit with my fear. I let it consume me. I breath. I write to you.

I get scared when i think i am alone, but i know you are always with me. I know i am with you too. I love to love you.

It is hard work. I try not to worry about things, but i still have much to learn.

I afraid of all the pain i know i will cause. I do not trust myself.

I sit with my fear. I let it consume me. I breath. I write to you.

Hurt

I am sorry i have hurt you. I did not know how to love you. I let my desire get in the way.

You are my teacher, my lover, my friend. You are me. I know that. I know that i have to let go of my desires before i can truly love another.

You worry yourself. You hurt yourself. You see us as separate.

I cannot do your work for you. I believe in you, i know you have a big heart.

If you wish to love me, love yourself. Treat yourself as you would like to treat me. I love to think of you. Which is why i cannot have you.

You do not understand yet, and it hurts. It hurts me too.

Pain can be hard to deal with, but to live is to suffer.

Learn to live with your pain, so you can love yourself and the people around you.

Be mindful of your thoughts. Be mindful of your feelings. You will see i am always beside you.

I love you. Love yourself as you wish to love me.

I Desire

I get lost very easily.

To make my way back to you, i sit.

I think about you crying.

I think that your crying, symbolizes a need for growth

I am sadden by the fact that i didn't realize you just needed some love

I realize i am human, i need compassion too.

I realize my desire to be at peace stopped me from loving you

i realize my desire for you to be at peace has kept me from loving you

i realize my desires lead me away from you.

I am not at peace. I feel alone.

I sit with my pain, i breath.

I find my way back to you

I write to tell you i love you.

You and me

I am scared.

You see us as separate.

I see us as one.

I know that to hurt myself is to hurt you.

To not love myself is to not love you.

I don't care about looks anymore, nor money, nor books.

I am now able to do my work.

It is hard work.

I see my friends' pain now.

But i also see their love.

It is hard. But there is much to be thankful for.

I am glad there are so many wonderful things in the world.

I am glad that i can love my friends. I want to give them even more love.

I don't know how. I am scared.

It is hard being honest. It is hard to see your friends in pain.

I sit with that pain. I let it consume me.

I am worried i will not know how to love.

Life is full with pleasantness. All those wonderful tests and distractions! So many chances to learn, so many chances to love.

It is very hard.

Life and Death

My father , texts me on my iPhone.

He's in the hospital. He's having chest pains again.

I know he is scared. He has been there a lot. He is in pain. He may be dying.

He fears he is dying alone.

I offer him my compassion.

I tell him to meditate.

I tell him to realize he is nothing.

I tell him is connected to everything.

I tell him if he needs love to give love to those around him.

He blows me off. I get angry.

He acts like a child.

Begging me for distraction from the world.

I am angry.

I know what it means to live an angry life.

It is the life of destruction.

I sit with my anger. I focus on my feelings. I breath. I am mindful. I am thankful for the love others give to me, and the love i can give to them.

I release my anger. I breath.

An opportunity to learn

You have left me again. But this time i am not at peace. I am upset. I don't know why.

I see it is because i have hurt you. I try to explain it to myself. I am not convinced.

Sometimes we feel pain. Sometimes we cause pain to others when we do not mean to. Forgiveness is important. Compassion is important. Being able to let go is as well.

But i am not convinced. I meditate.

Every small moment is important. Compassion and love, patience and mindfulness. It is hard to know. It is hard to be, when our mind wanders off and thinks it knows what is best for all.

Treating you with kindness brings me peace.

Sometimes i forget myself, i think i know, i think i am.

I am not.

I sit with my sadness.

i let it consume me.

i remember the hurt, it feels familiar.

i remember now why love is so important.

i remember how to treat you.

with love.

When I get scared

I get scared a lot.

i get scared of being scared.

i worry i will not know how to deal with my problems on my own.

i like to share. i like to be honest. but they do not always make me feel good. sometimes i get scared.

i get scared i will lose your love. i am scared i do not have it. i am very afraid.

i feel alone. i don't know what to do.

i am scared.

i sit with this feeling. i let it consume me. my body tightens up. my breathing quickens. i become sad, my heart slows down, i feel like i'm going to die.

i hear a bird sing in the distance. i hear the music on in the background. i understand this is only a feeling. i understand it will pass.

i think of how you would love me, and i get excited to show you my appreciation. i get scared i will forget how. i don't want to forget how to love you.

i realize this a feeling too. this will also pass.

Distractions

I lost my train of thought. I forget to tell you something important. I hurt you. I hurt myself.

This pain gives me a moment of reflection. I am hurt and lost, i am without you, i am without your love.

I am scared, i feel myself get frightened. I worry i will not know what to do. But i remember you are beside me, your love is in my heart.

I remember you do not exist, you are gone too. I am happy. There is nothing more to be scared of.

Our love

I sit here and wonder how to talk to my friends. How do i tell them about you. I want to tell everyone how much i love you. How happy i am that i found you.

But i feel ashamed. I am scared no one will believe me. I am scared i don't believe me. I am afraid this is not real. I worry. I doubt myself.

We do not need to tell anyone about our love. We need to love ourselves and each other. Their judgments cannot change what is real or how i love you.

I don't worry about how to tell anyone. I worry how to love you more. I smile. I love loving you.

As I wait for you

I like to laugh!

Thinking of being goofy with you makes me laugh too. When i am sad sometimes i'll think of a goofy face you make and i just laugh! You make me smile a lot. It makes me want to be silly with you, you let me feel like a child again.

I sit and wait, thinking of you. I love writing to you. I love to tell you my thoughts. It helps me see clearly, and i hope they make you feel good. I like to think they do.

I sit and wait for you. I long for sign. I sense my desire. I feel humbled. I breath. I let you go. I sense my weakness. I am afraid. I feel your love, i sense your compassion, and i am comforted. I am no longer afraid, i have the strength to do what is right.

I will wait.

I love you

I love you, i love to have you in my thoughts. I love thinking of new ways to love you. I am not afraid of loving you. I worry. I get scared. I think. I feel. I meditate. I stop worrying about me. I disappear, i reappear.

Maybe you are worried you will disappoint me. I am worried i will allow myself to be disappointed. I think about this a lot. I think about the possible falsehoods. I worry.

I think about how long i've been alone, and what it means to be alone. I wonder if or why i feel the way i do. I question everything. I think of you.

I am alone. Alone i am untouched. I am the trees playing with the wind, i am the hiss of the radio. I am a floating, i am violent, i am nothing. With others i can be loving. With others i can be compassionate. I like to do good things for others and not always be troubled by my thoughts, it makes me feel good too. But i am human, i have desires. I get lost, i get upset, i get lonesome. I lose sight of what's important, i forget i am nothing.

I trust you. I trust you because you see yourself in me, you want to take very good care of that person. You like making me happy. I like making you happy. We love each other a lot. We're real scared sometimes. But we laugh and feel ok. We know we're loved, and it feels good.

I love you.

What?

I awake, i think of you, i am happy. I lie in bed thinking of how much i love you and how excited i am that i have met you. I like to think of all the ways we can love each other. I start to think i am using the word love too much and it is losing it's meaning. This worries me. I start to think, i worry. I worry i do not know my feelings, that i do not know my mind. I worry this is another game i'm playing on myself, and that you and i are not real. Then i realize i'm right, i laugh and think about you more. I love loving you. I love to love you.

When i was younger i was very alone. I met a girl once and fell in love very quickly. I thought she understood me, i thought i understood her, and maybe at that time we did, maybe that time i was fooling myself. As the years went by the troubles came, that's was ok with me they always come. We would talk things over, we would compromise. She and I were both loving people, but we did not know how to care for each other. When i was sad she would not listen, when she was sad i would not listen. We couldn't hear each other, we did not know ourselves. As time went on i felt she couldn't understand me, that she didn't even know how to. It wasn't a lack of trying, just difference. That's ok, i don't mind, but i was very sad at the time.

So i left. I left because i knew there was no happiness there for us. It wasn't her, it wasn't me, it was us that would not work. I knew i was broken too. I knew i was the only one who could fix it, i knew no one could do it for me. She cried and screamed, beg for me not to go. I tried to distance myself, i pretended i didn't care, i slept with other women, i tried to make things easier, i failed, i hated myself, i wanted to die. So i left. I left because i could do no good to anyone there, not myself or her. I moved home to try to figure things out and clear my head. Luckily that part worked out :)

So how i know things will work between us? I don't. I don't know the future. I know that i like being who i am, i know i like doing good, i know i like being honest, i know i like to love myself, i know this feels good. I know you like the same things. I know you like to be goofy too, really special goofy. I know it'll be hard for me to be goofy around you at first, i know you will try to goof me all the time :)

I know that you know what it means to be alone, alone from yourself. Unable to trust yourself to do what is right for you. Scared of your own judgment. I like that. You know me. You love me. I want to know you more, i want to love you more. I want to take good care of you, but i know i can only love you as much as i love myself.

So i take good care of me too, i try to take things slow and not worry to much and love those around me. I don't hold on to bad feelings, i let them take their time, i sit with them until they are ready to go. Now i can see them when they start to walk towards my door. I am not surprised, anymore. I know to get the water ready, these are important guests that have much to teach me. They teach me how to love me, and teach me how to love you. The love i get from loving you gives me strength. I like having you in my head. I have been alone for a long time, i don't mind being alone now. I would be ok. But i'd like to have you around. I love loving you, and i love how you love me.

Hot Soup

I made a hot soup today.

HOT IN SPICE! HOT IN TEMP!

My soup is hot!

I eat my soup fast. It burns my lips. It burns my mouth. It is exciting. But I cannot taste my soup.

I place my soup down. i wait for it to cool.

i get hungry waiting for it to cool.

my mouth waters. my stomach hurts.

i leave my soup and soup thoughts.

i come here to write you this letter to you

to tell you i love you

my soup is ready.

I like thinking of you

i went to bed peaceful, i woke up happy. This mid morning was filled with questions and fear, but that's ok.

I think i'll be ok no matter what happens, but i like thinking about having you around.

Being alive is tough work, it would be nice to have someone around who understands and loves me like you do. Life seems like it's about living it yourself, that is i need to know how to be happy just find without you. But you seem like you'd be a big help, and you're beautiful, and you make me laugh.

I woke up and just looked at a goofy picture of you and i laughed. When i was falling asleep last night you made my heart giggle.

I worry about a lot of things. but i think about the worst, and it's ok. With hard work, with focus and love and compassion maybe it will be alright.

I love your smile and your eyes. But even if you had no smile or eyes, i wouldn't care. Someday i will have no smile, i will have no eyes, and i know you'd love me. And i'd love me to, and i'd love you too, and the world too.

I can't wait to get to know you better, i hope i can be good for you. I hope i can be good for me, i like feeling this way. Feeling like i'm doing ok. And if i'm doing ok with me maybe you're doing ok with me.

We both have our toes on the ground, touching other planets, smiling from across the room, making funny faces, and whispering loving thoughts.

When I lose you

I seem to lose myself each day. Each second is a moment for reflection and focus. There is a joy in rediscovering the moment, the fear or losing it, the moment you lose it, and the moment you learn it never leaves. I worry that i'll lose my temper with you, i worry i will think about other women, i worry about so many things. This worry fills my head, and i get scared and remember all the awful things i've done.

Then i remember, i don't have to do them, i remember the pain that was caused by my wrong actions, and i try to remember that there is nothing that one cannot overcome. I think about losing you. I like to think about it. It makes it not so scary. It makes me not afraid to love you. When our bodies die and our bones turn to dust, our dust become the air, becomes the rain. I like to think of the times i will be a blade of grass you will be a cow you and will eat me. I like to think of the times i will be a raindrop you will be a raindrop and we will dance in a puddle for a brief moment. Or two snowflakes that fall slowly by each others side until they touch the ground and melt.

When i lose you i will be sad, i will miss our love, your guidance, your understanding, your goofiness, I will miss everything i love about you. But i will not think only of my misery, but of the love we shared. I will be thankful for the birds in the air, the cold water on my face, the pain that reminds me that i am human. But i cannot lose you, because i will never have you. You will never be mine. You are yours, and i am mine. It's our connection which is so special and our love for each others well being. I do not own anything. What belongs to me? I am master of nothing, i own no one. I do not wish to own you, nor do i wish to make you only happy. I wish only to treat you with love and kindness always. You help me stay honest. But it is worth nothing if i cannot be honest on my own. That's not true, honesty is always valuable no matter what the circumstance. But i'm sure we'd both be happier people the more comfortable we are on our own feet. Things are always shaky though, we are only human, so it's important not to let fear always get in the way. To live is to suffer, to that there is no end if you choose so. I like to choose love. I like loving you. Why are words so confusing and hollow? There are no words for how i feel about you, us, life. But i do like sharing with you. I like to let you know i love you, and that you deserve care and love.