What?

I awake, i think of you, i am happy. I lie in bed thinking of how much i love you and how excited i am that i have met you. I like to think of all the ways we can love each other. I start to think i am using the word love too much and it is losing it's meaning. This worries me. I start to think, i worry. I worry i do not know my feelings, that i do not know my mind. I worry this is another game i'm playing on myself, and that you and i are not real. Then i realize i'm right, i laugh and think about you more. I love loving you. I love to love you.

When i was younger i was very alone. I met a girl once and fell in love very quickly. I thought she understood me, i thought i understood her, and maybe at that time we did, maybe that time i was fooling myself. As the years went by the troubles came, that's was ok with me they always come. We would talk things over, we would compromise. She and I were both loving people, but we did not know how to care for each other. When i was sad she would not listen, when she was sad i would not listen. We couldn't hear each other, we did not know ourselves. As time went on i felt she couldn't understand me, that she didn't even know how to. It wasn't a lack of trying, just difference. That's ok, i don't mind, but i was very sad at the time.

So i left. I left because i knew there was no happiness there for us. It wasn't her, it wasn't me, it was us that would not work. I knew i was broken too. I knew i was the only one who could fix it, i knew no one could do it for me. She cried and screamed, beg for me not to go. I tried to distance myself, i pretended i didn't care, i slept with other women, i tried to make things easier, i failed, i hated myself, i wanted to die. So i left. I left because i could do no good to anyone there, not myself or her. I moved home to try to figure things out and clear my head. Luckily that part worked out :)

So how i know things will work between us? I don't. I don't know the future. I know that i like being who i am, i know i like doing good, i know i like being honest, i know i like to love myself, i know this feels good. I know you like the same things. I know you like to be goofy too, really special goofy. I know it'll be hard for me to be goofy around you at first, i know you will try to goof me all the time :)

I know that you know what it means to be alone, alone from yourself. Unable to trust yourself to do what is right for you. Scared of your own judgment. I like that. You know me. You love me. I want to know you more, i want to love you more. I want to take good care of you, but i know i can only love you as much as i love myself.

So i take good care of me too, i try to take things slow and not worry to much and love those around me. I don't hold on to bad feelings, i let them take their time, i sit with them until they are ready to go. Now i can see them when they start to walk towards my door. I am not surprised, anymore. I know to get the water ready, these are important guests that have much to teach me. They teach me how to love me, and teach me how to love you. The love i get from loving you gives me strength. I like having you in my head. I have been alone for a long time, i don't mind being alone now. I would be ok. But i'd like to have you around. I love loving you, and i love how you love me.